| And it came to pass that God visited the earth, and He did behold a series of billboard ads attributing to Him utterances of such banality that they would never pass His lips in a billion years. And it came to pass that God in His wrath considered a libel suit, but in the end opted simply to mount a cantankerous, self-contradictory ad campaign of His own. . . . |
| I never said, "Thou shalt not think." |
| —God |
| Okay, you've got multiplying down. Now let's try replenishing for a while. |
| —God |
| I don't care who started it. Just stop it. |
| —God |
| If you seek to know my ways, read a damn science book. |
| —God |
| You'd better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you're all grounded. |
| —God |
| Six days? Yeah, right. I'm a scientist, not a magician. |
| —God |
| If I wanted you to have seven kids, I would have given you a bigger planet. |
| —God |
| You're not tracking those bloody footprints in here. |
| —God |
| E=mc². Yeah, that's one of mine. |
| —God |
| You can have another kid when you learn to take care of the first one. |
| —God |
| The dinosaurs didn't believe in you either. |
| —God |
| Excuse me? Where do you see my name on the front of the Bible? |
| —God |
| Only six thousand years old? Oh, that's a good one. |
| —God |
| Just look at this planet! Do you expect me to clean this up? |
| —God |
| I love Marilyn Manson, too. Maybe more than I love you. |
| —God |
| Here's a clue—if they say they're doing it in my name, they're lying. |
| —God |
| I'm flattered you liked my book so much. Now why don't you read something new? |
| —God |
| I'm concerned about children's education. I favor lower child-to-parent ratios. |
| —God |
| I gave you a bigger brain for a reason. Start using it. |
| —God |
| Want to know how old the earth is? Ask the earth, not the Bible. |
| —God |
| If you don't clean this place up, you won't get another millennium. |
| —God |
| I don't blame video games when my children start shooting each other. |
| —God |
| I like to kick things off with a bang. A Big Bang. |
| —God |
| If you didn't hear it straight from my lips, take it with a grain of salt. |
| —God |
| All this will someday be your children's. |
| —God |
| There is no such thing as killing in my name. |
| —God |
| Stop smirking, America. I'm talking to you, too. |
| —God |
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